Left for Dead: Operation Asshole
by VideoGameWinner
Summary: With the green flu raging on Damon Baird gets infected and finds out that being a hunter is not what it was made out to be. Rated M for the Delta's language, charcter death in later chapters and some gory scenes.
1. Chapter 1

"Human"

'Infected'

_Think_

"This is bull shit, the moment we get to safety the God damn government goes, hay we need somebody to go look for supplies in the same damn town we just got out of." Baird's life was not going according to plan. A week after getting married to Sam this infection came around. So Cole, Sam, Carmine and him pushed through the waves of the dead to get saved by the military on top of a hospital.

"Come on Baird as long as we don't get separated we will be fine." Cole was being himself, always seeing the positive side of every thing.

"Still Sam and Carmine got to stay back at the base eating food, sleeping and FUCK." A hunter that had been woken up attacked the person who woke him up. "Get it the fuck off me."

"Down sucka." Cole yells as he crushes the hunters head after kicking it off Baird. "Baird you good?"

"The asshole bit me. When did hunters start to bite?" Baird said putting pressure on his neck where the hunter bit him.

"Baird lets get you back to base and get that wound checked on." Cole said worried about his friend that he has been through nearly everything with

"Ya let's get back to base." Baird said before loosing consciousness

Back at base Cole got Baird to the doctor. As in he carried him while taking out 2 nurses, a doctor and 7 patients before he got in the building.

"Listen-doc-my-friend-got-bit-by-a-hunter-then-I-crushed-it's-head-then-Baird-passed-out-and-here-I-am." Cole panicked

"We'll take care of him you can go to the waiting room to calm down." the doctor sort of annoyed with the giant man who ran him over out side.

"Thanks doc."

"Cole what happened to Baird?" Sam said shaking Cole

"Calm down Sam doc said that they'll take care of him. He'll be just fine."

"Yes, but what the hell happened to him." Sam yelled

"We were looking for sum supplies when a hunter bit him."

"You two should get some sleep he won't wake up for a while." the doctor calmly said to the two distressed people.

_The next day_

The next day they both got a call and they heard something they did not what to hear. Baird had the green flu and does not have long to live. When they got there they saw the damage. He shrunk about a foot from 6'1" to about 5'1". His skin has turned a sickly gray. His blond hair, now pitch black. Claws have grown from his hands and his teeth now like sharks teeth. He was awake so they saw his eyes were now gray then his usual blue eyes. And the little muscle he had before was completely gone. The only way they actually knew it was him was the blue goggles he wore on his forehead.

"Holy shit, Baird are you OK?" Sam said already starting to cry.

"He can't talk but he can understand you."

"Hoffman what are you doing here?" Cole asks

"Obeying orders." Hoffman said with a look in his eyes of apology "Doctor would you please leave." The doctor leaves while Sam and Cole know what he means.

"Hoffman, you know you will have to go through us to get to him." Cole with his hand on his snub pistol.

"I know that is why I am going to help but all of us will probably die and Baird might get gunned down." Hoffman explains "Here is what we will do. Cole will break the reinforced window while I throw Baird out of it so he can hit the ground running and Sam you hold the door shut because the moment Cole starts to break the window they will come in here and shoot us faster than Cole could break the window."

"But is Baird strong enough and who says he won't immediately be shot down?" Sam questions

Baird gets up and gives the group a nod while having the most serious face he has ever had.

"Alright is everybody ready to get shot, hit and possibly killed." Hoffman says giving one of his pep talks.

Hoffman was right the moment Cole kicked the window the first time five people were at the door trying to get in but Sam was holding the door while it was locked. After about six kicks Hoffman throws Baird out and he shoots off like a bullet on all fours getting his now giant shirt caught on almost everything with a corner so he got rid of it.

"Sam, Cole we have saved one man and I know that everybody on the other side of that door will shoot to kill so hold them back until they get us so Baird will have time to get out." Hoffman states

"That is if he knows how to get out with out getting lost." Cole laughs nervously "He does know which way to go right?"

"Well he isn't blond any more so that is a major maybe." Sam says nervously

As the door hinges start to come off Hoffman speaks up "It has been a pleasure serving with you men."

If you were sitting around keeping watch at six o clock in the morning and you see a half naked hunter with blue goggles jump the wall and leave the base wouldn't you wonder if somebody was spiking your orange juice. Not when you had the night shift and the person who was to take your place called in sick and then asked you to continue watch you would just shoot the thing once and continue grumbling.

_2 hours later_

'Funny, I run through an entire military base, get shot at from all angles and then get shot in the shoulder as I jump the wall out of this damn and with no shirt for that matter.' Baird was completely pissed he has to leave all of his belongings and friends behind, plus he was loosing blood fast. He was already seeing spots so if did not find some help soon he would probably pass out and die.

'I think I'll sit here and _YAWN_ take a nap.' The last thing he saw was a hooded figure crouching over him before he saw the blackness that he knew to well.

**(AN: A new story that I hope that will go great in the eyes of people who read it. If you have ideas and/or things to fix please press the butten below this story and tell me what you think.)**


	2. Bottom floor, sporting goods, lingerie,

**(AN: I am sorry for the five people who actually read this but I got a new TV and I completely forgot about this. But once I got my first review ever I had to continue the story. But it took me a while to write this but any way on with this story.)**

Bottom floor, sporting goods, lingerie, and one bitch ass queen

_God knows when_

In a dark room that has hooded men everywhere with one in some computer chair with one person in it. The hunter Queen. She appears to be thirty five and has servants all around her. While idly spinning in circles a small group of hunters led by one big hunter with a red sweatshirt walks up.

'My queen, here is a Hunter that we found passed out in the forest with my scouting party.' a hunter with a red sweatshirt says while bowing. 'But as we were bringing him here he woke up and got away.'

'Well where is he and how did he escape?' She said still spinning.

'Well…' the read sweat shirt hunter started but was interrupted by a some shouting from the other room

'Hey get the Fuck away from me you assholes!' Baird yells being dragged in by six hunters. 'Where the Fuck are you taking me!"

'Well this it the Hunter that got an away from you?' She asks now not spinning in the chair anymore.

'The name is Baird, and who are you Queen of the bitches?'

'You will not talk the queen in that manner!' the red sweatshirt Hunter said getting in Baird's face.

'Calm down Raxen he is our guest we must show him respect.' the queen says getting up to get a better look at Baird

'Yes my queen.' Raxon says backing up with a frown on his face

'I have found you quite interesting tell me how long you have been a Hunter?' she asks sniffing him

'Um excuse me but before you start feeling me up could I at least get your name?' Baird said starting to feel uneasy with a girl around him 'And could I get a shirt please?'

'Of course follow Raxon to get some clothing' she says while Raxon takes Baird with the scowl that Baird would look like Cole on a good day. 'And by the way my name is Lyana'.

_Later that night or day_

'Listen, tonight is the night that we get rid of the annoying little queen.' Raxon says saying queen with absolute hate.

'But she has done nothing wrong why does she need to go?' a random hunter states

'That is why she has to go she has done nothing but sit in that chair and tell us what to do. She can't lead a common let alone one of us.' Raxon says while growling

'But how are we going to get rid of her?' Another hunter asks

'I'm getting to that.' Raxon yells showing the full two feet on them 'And that new guy has to go also thinking he is all great because he got away from me.'

'Don't tell me this is one of your prideful plans that end in disaster like last time.' the first hunter said

'The strange witch was in front of the door and the tank fell through the ceiling that was already weak due to the building being on fire.' Raxon remembering that day

'Who knew that there were male witches and that they were that much stronger than regular witches?' The other hunter says

'But anyway well get rid of them with this box right here.' Raxon states while walking towards a box in the corner.

'What's in the box Rax?' The first one asks again 'And how is it going to capture those two.'

'The box is what are using, we knock them out then use these little plastic things I found at the police station to tie them up close the box then leave them in the middle of the city.' Raxon says rubbing his hands together.

'Is that so asshole I would like to see you try. That is if you could catch me first fat ass.' Baird says flipping them off while running off to warn Lyana

'Well get him you dumbasses he is getting away.' Raxon hitting the two hunters in the back of the head.

Down the hall Baird was running being off balance since hunters are not made for balance. But tweedle dumb and tweedle dumbass were jumping and quickly gaining on him. One of them jumping and tackling him through Lyana's door.

'What are you doing? Get out of my room.' Lyana yelled

'Lyana tackle these guys off me.' Baird says fighting both hunters off him

'She can't since she has never hunted for pray or anything like that she doesn't know how to properly pounce.' Raxon said walking in.

'Raxon I command you to get them off of him now.' Lyana commands

'I'm sorry Lyana but I am afraid that you are unfit to rule. So I am doing the smart thing and taking your place, sorry.' Raxon states knocking her out. 'One of you tie her up. I need to talk to the little whelp.'

'What are you going to do nag me to death? Wait you actually could, well shit.'

'Listen Beard I like your spirit, so if you bow down to me I won't put you in the same box as the useless child.' Raxon says than giving Baird time to think.

'First off asshole my name is Baird and second I wasn't going to bow down to her and I won't to you.' Baird finishes by spiting blood that had been collecting in his mouth.

'To bad I was going to make you my bodyguard.' Raxon states wiping the blood off his face. 'But that is life for you.'

And for the second time today he thinks Baird fell into the blackness.

**(AN: and that is that. The next couple of chapters will just be some of the other characters will be introduced and after that who knows. Maybe characters from other games will come in. I don't know but we will have to find out. The next chapter will come out faster if you review so please review.)**


	3. An Acidic Reunion

**(AN: I just felt like I needed to continue this story since I am excided to what is going to happen next. I hope you enjoy this next addition to this story.)**

An Acidic Reunion

_7 hours later back at camp_

Sam, Cole and Hoffman thought that they would be put in jail and rot for the rest of their days, but since they helped an infected escape, they were kicked out of the camp. Now that does not sound so bad but considering there is not another camp for over 75 miles in any direction and with no transportation makes it is a bit worse.

"Well it could be worse. We could be unarmed." Cole says trying to raise the spirits

"Cole, it's nice of you to try but we are unarmed." Sam says still down about seeing Baird go.

"No were not, Carmine is coming with us and he says he'll bring us some MAJOR fire power! WHOO!" Cole explains with his usual gusto.

"Sorry to keep you waiting guys. I wasn't able to get much weapons but I did get us some hand guns and first aid packs." Carmine states slightly shrugging.

"Carmine, this is what you call major firepower?" Cole said looking like a little kid who didn't get what he wanted for his birthday.

"Sorry guys this is all I could sneak out. But I do know where we can get some weapons." Carmine started "About 2 miles to the west there is an abandon gun store but we have to go through downtown to get to it."

"Hoffman you've been awful quiet, what is your take on the plan?" Sam said turning around

"Well it's the only plan we've got so I so go with it." Hoffman says still looking away to hide the fear behind his eyes. After everyone moves in front Hoffman whispers "I'm getting to old for this."

'HEY, GET ME OUT OF HERE! I'M THE QUEEN AND I DEMAND YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I WILL… I WILL… FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!' If you don't know already Lyana woke up and being spoiled as she is being tied to another person in a small box is not what she is used to.

'Lyana, would you be quiet so I can think how to get out of here. And if you continue yelling you might bring some unwanted attention.' Baird said wishing he could rub his pounding temples.

'Listen I'm massively claustrophobic so I am freaking out here!' Lyana says while hyperventilating 'And trust me there is only one or two infected close by that will investigate my shouting!'

'Wait how do you know there is special infected nearby and exactly how many?' Baird asks still with his eyes closed.

'Each infected has a certain smell that I can smell from miles away' Lyana said forgetting about the small box there in.

'So today is going great, I wake up with one of the worst headaches of my life in a box and find out your not useless after all.' Baird states with his usual sarcastic tone. 'But anyway what and how close the closest infected is.'

'The infected is a Spitter and is _SNIFF _about _SNIFF _next to the box.' Lyana said plainly

'So your telling me that there just happens to be a Spitter suddenly next to the box.' Baird said dropping his head.

'No he's been out there for about an hour.' Lyana said smiling.

'Hey buddy out there could you get us out of this box?' Baird said just wanting to get away from the stupidity.

'Don't worry Baird I get you out.' Someone outside said starting to open the box.

'You said there is a Spitter out there and all I here is Carmine.' Baird says whispering to Lyana 'Carmine get me the fuck out of here.'

'Wow Baird I didn't know you remembered me.' Carmine says opening the box.

'What do you mean by that Carmine?' Baird says stretching his sour muscles.

'Well ever since I got eaten by the giant worm I thought that everybody forgot me.' Benjamin Carmine says

After that last sentence Bard turned around and for one in his life he did not know what to say. After seeing someone that you haven't seen for over two years because you thought that they were dead because you saw them die nobody would know what to say. Ben looked like he did when he was alive except that half of his torso was melted off and you could see his ribcage. Also his helmet's left eye piece was gone and you could see his unblinking dried out nearly all black with white lines eye

'Hey, Baird we can talk later right now we need to get out of here.' Ben started 'all of the noise your girlfriend made the commons restless.'

'First off he is not my boyfriend and second aren't you the leader of the Spitters?' Lyana questioned.

'Wait you're the king of the Spitters, How?' Baird asked thinking what he did to have this happening to him.

'Don't know, I just woke up surrounded by Spitters then they carried me to this one warehouse and started to treat me as their king.' Ben explained.

'Man I would be king of anything except Spitters. Talk about ugly.' Baird said until he noticed Ben looking at him. 'No offence, I bet there are some nice looking Spitters out there, maybe not.

'Baird life is full of surprises and the ugly ones are the ones you see out here. The nicer looking ones stay at the warehouse.' Carmine said nudging Baird 'But anyway the warehouse isn't far from here, follow me.'

**(AN: Well that took forever to write, all 1018 words of this chapter. I thought of something, what I am going to do is tell you the next chapter and if you can guess the person we will meet in the next chapter first you will get to feel good about your self for a while. So stay tuned for the next chapter, It's a Witch, Bitch.)**


	4. It's a Witch, Bitch

**(I haven't updated recently for two reasons. One I was on a vacation for a week in Minnesota and Eagle River. Two, I was lazy and was playing Borderlands and Gears of War 3. Thanks for all of you who reviewed my story. Now you all will find out who the next Gears character is during this chapter and why it was called…)**

It's a Witch, Bitch

_Does anyone care by now?_

When you think of two miles you think about thirty minutes maybe more depending on if there is a zombie apocalypse going on or not. Four people from the coalition who as we all know are huge compared to anybody else not in the COG should make it faster than thirty minutes, right?

"Ok guys it's only been an hour were almost there." Carmine states out of breath

"Carmine, were lost aren't we. I won't yell but if we are lost I will kick your ass." Hoffman says rubbing his eyes.

"Now now Hoffman if you don't trust that he knows where he is going what else can we do." Sam says smirking "You do know where you're going, right Carmine?"

"Hey, Carmine knows where he's going, so show some god damn faith." Cole says smacking Sam's and Hoffman's back

"Fuck it we're lost. Cause I know we passed that dead Boomer at least 7 times." Carmine said kicking said Boomer.

"Come on Carmine at least say that its recon or something that doesn't make me look bad." Cole says nudging Clay "Ok since Carmine doesn't know where to go follow me."

"Cole you don't know where to go either so how could lead us there?" Sam says starting to be annoyed.

"Come on Sam you got to Trust The COLE TRAIN TO BRING THE GOODS! LET'S GO!" Cole shouts picking up Carmine, throwing him over his shoulder and taking off towards the sign that says Main Street.

'So that is how they pick the king of the Spitters.' Ben says finishing a story with Baird and Lyana looking like they are about to throw up so much that it would put a Boomer to shame.

'Next time I ask about how you became a king please don't add all the details that I don't need to know.' Baird says face paler than it usually is. 'God I think I'm about to throw up what is left of my stomach.'

'To think all I had to do was to be female and be able to make decisions that don't mean a thing.' Lyana said clutching her stomach not paying attention to where she is going and ends up running into a taller man in a ripped white under shirt with blood stains all over it. He was also wearing grayish red jeans that could have been white at an earlier point of time. He wore no shoes, had a buzz cut and had long claws on each hand. He also wore a pair of black sunglasses.

'Watch were the fuck you going bitch.' The man the Lyana ran into snapped

'Geez, sorry mister I wasn't paying attention.' Lyana said trying not to be mean but not succeeding

'Holy shit, Griffin, well I'll be dammed looks like money can't fix all of your problems now can it?' Baird said with a smirk

'You know what mutha fucka I don't give two fucks about your little jokes…' Griffin started while Ben started to not pay attention to Griffin and Baird's asshole competition and started thinking

_'Wait if my knowledge is correct the only way that somebody is infected to be a witch is that if something terrible thing happened right before they were killed like they lost something dear them.' _Ben thought 'I got it! Something happened to you like a kid or a wife was killed and felt like shit.'

Ben's stupidity apparently hit the spot. Griffin all of the sudden stopped getting in Baird's face and looked hurt. He stepped back and took off his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes doing what witches do best. 'It happened right after all this shit happened. My daughter wanted to date this one guard but I said no and she stormed off some where.' Griffin then sat down on the curb next to him. 'Later that night we had a ton of the freaks attack, more than usual.'

'Sounds like a shit load of them.' Ben said

'More like ten shit loads. Anyway we were fighting for about an hour and I decided to go bring Ashley back in so she wont get her self killed and I knew that guy was at the front gate so I went there. When I got there I saw her they were barely holding the gate. I told her to get back to the main building and she told me that she hated me for getting in her love life. Nobody was expecting it, out of the crowed infected ground below a Smoker's tongue grabbed her and then she disappeared into the crowed below. I was so upset that I didn't notice the gate get breached or the infected that hit me in the back of the head and killed me.' Griffin finished 'I just hope that she had a quick and painless death.'

'God damn Griffin I didn't know, sorry about calling you a transvestite fucktard.' Baird said looking sorrowful.

'Hey were going to my place wont to come? Maybe she became an infected and you could find her there?' Ben asked

'Ya that sounds good.' Griffin said getting up and starting to walk away 'oh and if you tell anybody that I was crying I will scratch you eyes out with a belt sander.'

After everyone goes Ben mutters 'Heh good luck with that.'

**AN: Sorry about the wait but anyway the title was made from the way to unlock Griffin in Gears of War 3 is by getting the Onyx medal in the hoarder category by getting a ton of money and its called I'm Rich Bitch. The next chapter has the first person that is not a Gears or L4D person. It's called "A Picture is worth a Thousand Cigarettes"**


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